5 posts tagged “depression”

This is the story of my flu episode.  You've been warned.

Last Friday my hubby came home from his job at a college with a bad cough and went straight to bed.  As he often does when he is really sick he moaned and groaned.  Poor boy!  I stayed by him to help him even though I was afraid to catch it.  I had had a flu shot a week ago and I thought I was safe. 

Hubby went to work on Saturday for a special class, then came home and went back to bed with fever and chills again, along with the bad cough.  I did what I could for him, giving him moral support if nothing else.  By Sunday evening he was feeling better, although he coughed for several more days.

Unfortunately, by Sunday evening I was starting to feel it.  My problems were somewhat different, though.  I didn't cough (probably because of my pain meds) and I felt alternately hot and cold.  I also had a bad headache.  That often happens when I get a virus, ever since I had mono that attacked my brain lining in college.  

I started resting and drinking fluids.  I am one of those people who are high-risk for the flu because of my asthma and other medical problems, so I was taking this seriously and helping my body out all I could.  I also took some decongestants which kept me up all night.  I felt alternatively too hot and too cold all night and finally began to sleep the next  morning. 

On Monday during the day I felt tired, but not too bad until evening when I started to feel so icy cold--as if somebody was wiping me down with alcohol.  This was even the parts of me under the covers.  I started to feel really bad around midnight and started vomiting.  After that I was unsteady on my feet, confused,  and my back and neck hurt terribly.

The next day was spent in bed with constant vivid dreams (all anxiety type dreams).  I was freezing cold with no fever, but I was dizzy and weak and everything hurt.  I was so helpless that I couldn't go beyond a few steps.  I had trouble getting my sons to hear me asking for help and at one point I just burst into tears.

That night was absolutely horrible.  I was having chills and nausea and I really wanted to quit. I felt that if I had to go through another long night of chills I was going to die.   Unfortunately, quiting wasn't an option.  My body just had to get through this somehow.  I listened to a meditation piece about listening to your body, so I acknowledged did that and  the anxiety eased some.  Then I started vomiting again. 

The next morning (Wednesday) I woke up feeling not quite so cold.  I was still having twinges of cold, but I was having some normal sleep in between.  I was extremely tired and still had a terrible headache, but I began to feel as if I might survive.  I stayed in bed though.  I have a bad history of getting up and out too soon and getting sick again and I don't want pneumonia again. 

I also realized that I was so depressed because I had been off my antidepressant, so I got my prescription picked up and I'm feeling better psychologically now.

By Thursday afternoon I felt a little like myself and on Thursday evening I spent an hour or so on the computer before crashing again.  As I write, it is Friday afternoon.  I still have a headache and I'm watching out for this chest congestion.  I hope I can avoid a secondary infection, so I am taking things VERY easy.

So far the boys show no sign of infection.  They aren't in a lot of close contact with us and I've reminded my younger son several times to wash his hands after being in contact with me.   

I advise everybody who can to get a swine flu shot along with their regular shot.  This is nasty stuff.  I haven't been this sick in years and years.  If you're young and healthy you might get through it quickly, but it is nothing to fool with.   I intended to get a swine flu shot when they were available, but now I don't have to.  I would much have rather had the shot!

The big project I've been working on since September is finally finished.  The last of the artists have packed up and gone home.  It seems to have been pretty successful for everyone. 

I should feel relieved, but I'm so tired that it is hard to focus.  Yesterday I was a little depressed.  I've been the point of contact for all these artists for months, so my phone and email was busy all the time, especially the last few months.  Now the phone is quiet and the emails are infrequent.  There's always a letdown after the show is over, at least for me.

I will make myself look on the positive, though.  I will have more time to work on what I want to work on, without having to constantly feel that I am a week or more behind schedule.  (Well, that might not change....I'm still me.)  I have a feature coming up at a gallery that I'm in, so I need to make a lot more work and come up with a theme for my feature.  I'll take a couple of days to rest, and then I need to start working on that.  It will be fun to have my major job be working on my art for a change.  It doesn't pay as well, but there are other compensations.

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a situation within an organization I'm on the board of had gotten completely out of control (see previous post).  I had an awful day for a variety of reasons, and as the time for the meeting approached, I became very depressed about the whole thing.  At about that time, I talked with my husband on the phone.  I could hear the depression in my voice and promptly started a guided meditation about re-directing anger to a better, more constructive place.  In a little while, and after a lot of deep breathing, I began to feel better.

Apparently my husband could hear the sadness in my voice too.  He arrived home with a can of Pringles and a package of french onion dip to cheer me up.   That was sooooo sweet of him!   (I'm allergic to flowers and chocolate, so that was a thoughtful choice.) I ate a few chips and got ready for the meeting.

The meeting wasn't too bad.  It got heated for a while, but I stood my ground and the meeting ended amicably.  I was imagining much worse.  This group has had much worse.

As a child I had to learn to swallow my anger and as an adult I still have to fight the habit.  It is the wrong thing to do.  Suppressed anger turns inward and poisons you.  Most people aren't worth that amount of emotional damage anyway.  It's better to forgive them and move on.  It's hard, but it works for me.  I just need to be reminded sometimes.

I'm a member of a artist's cooperative and, every once in a while, a tempest blows up fueled by gossip, half-facts, and hurt feelings.  Now is one such time and it is aimed at me and my committee work.  It started out with someone sending me a personal attack on another subject, then I found out that I didn't have the backing I thought I did.  Now a second situation has everybody having fits.  I suspect one key person isn't taking my calls, so it will be very hard to clear this up.

I have been finding this situation exhausting, depressing, and just downright draining.  I feel like making big dramatic gestures, but they wouldn't care and if they did I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction. 

I have been using breathing and meditating to find a calm center to support me, but every time I get slammed by a new batch of emails I have to regain the center.  I feel alone and exposed out in a vast desert.

It was time for a change in my life, so I made one.  Now I just hope I can keep up!  Normally I live a pretty isolated life.  Most of my time is spent with my family.  I am involved in one or two organizations and I do some volunteer work, so I'm not entirely isolated, but sometimes it isn't enough.

 I was beginning to feel as if I wasn't accomplishing anything.  That was making me depressed.  My solution:  get involved with more responsibilities in the hope that those responsibilities and my goals will give me the drive to overcome my fatigue.  These additional responsibilities will also put me in more contact with people, which could be a good thing. 

The downside is that I will have to push myself and hope my body agrees to play along.  Here's hoping!  I can't deal with the alternative, which seemed to be getting more and more isolated as rest and sleep claim more of my time.